Sunday, October 25, 2015

WINTER BREAK 15/16

MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING WITH SO MANY THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW I JUST NEED TO JOT DOWN EVERYTHING.

Okay. So the thing is, I've always wanted to get out of my comfort zone, start exploring instead of just creating images of me going places in my mind. You know that feeling when you have so many plans & ideas that you've written down on a piece of paper but you can't actually have someone to do all those things with you? That was the case for me before a girl named Fatin Mardhiyyah came into the picture. 

That day I didn't sit at my usual place during forensic lesson since someone else has taken my place. So I just placed my butt at somewhere else empty. Turned out that the only sit left was besides this girl. We were listening to the professor as usual & during our 5 minutes break, I turned to her & started talking. I was at my best mood that day as I don't usually start a conversation just for the sake of being friendly. We talked about our siblings, the Azhar Medical School Association (AMSA) that she involved with, and about a lot of other things till we finally came up with the winter break topic. She asked me where do I want to spend my time during this coming winter holiday. 

So basically I explained to her that I'm planning to go to Turkey. I went to Switzerland & London with my housemate last winter but I still haven't found someone else who can actually come along with me this time since my housemate is a bit short of money. 

And guess what?

SHE
WANTED
TO
GO
WITH
ME

YASSSSSSSSS!

You can't imagine how excited I was to hear that. I was totally flabbergasted. She's such an amiable person. Me complimenting someone like this happens but once in a while, so do you understand how much I appreciate her existence in this world right now? You tell me. 

I'll write down my plans in my next entry.

See you!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Different Kind Of Motherly Love Part 1

As I sat outside my house struggling to digest my reading, from the corner of my eyes I could see our cat moved towards her kitten and started to lick his fur. I stopped reading and put my papers down then focusing my eyes on them. 

"Such a loving mother," I thought. Even animals are softhearted than most of us, homo sapiens. 

My mom will reach her 60s in less than a year, old enough to be categorised under 'senior citizen.' She's a woman with thriving willpower but I know deep inside she's so delicate. If you have your boyfriend or girlfriend as you pillar of strength, our family has her as ours. Having so many problems in our home caused by begrudging strangers, she tried her best to save us from breaking apart. 

She's not like other women whom we called "mother". My mom rarely shows her love to us verbally. Never in my life that I hear her saying "I love you" to me. I crave for that kind of love all this time. I want her to say those 3 words 8 letters to me but somehow I know that day will never come because she's as strong as a rock. Even when I do say it to her sometimes (through messages), she never replies. There were times when I wanted to show her some love, but I was restricted by my own ego. Her love is more to physical/actions and I deeply understand that. Growing up this way, I indirectly developed some barriers between us. I never share my secrets, my feelings for boys, or whatever kind of mother-daughter's deeper conversation. We never had that. I wish we did tho. I really do.

Hatred doesn't exist. 
There's only an absence of love.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Are you a copycat or a bona fide?

In order to find yourself, you need to stop looking it in others or looking at others.

Wait. What's the different?

Looking it in others means you define your character by whom you want to be with. Let say you go to a party and you immediately seek for a group of people that has the same aura in terms of cool/stylish/charming with hope that one day you'll become a cool/stylish/charming person yourself.

How about looking at others?

Everyday you won't miss from scrolling down the Instagram page of people that you adore. You possibly followed them on all social medias named it twitter, facebook, tumblr etc and follow all their life stories in order to learn how to be just like them. To you they're the images of a perfect life that you have always wanted to live. You slowly become a copycat (although you might deny it). You try to find something similar to what they wear, to the make ups that they use or to where they go for a cup of coffee.

So, after reading of all the above, which category are you classified into? If you don't put yourself in either group, congratulations! You're free from the prison of your own mind. Keep it up and be yourself because everyone else is unavailable.

For any of you who thinks that you do fall into either one of the categories, or maybe both, it's okay my dear. It's never too late to change and find your true self. It might takes a while to explore the best part of you but keep trying. Even me myself is not hundred percent eligible to say that "I'm totally unique and that there's only one me in the galaxy" as sometimes the things that I saw on magazines, tumblr, Instagram, Youtube videos or simply random people that I found on the street definitely affect the way I see things, the way I talk, as well as the way I dress myself up.

Try to list down all the good things about you that makes you outstanding from others, the side of you that you're really comfortable with. Maybe you're good at arts or interpersonal skills or cooking or photography or singing. You name it all! Try to learn more about those things that you're passionate with so that you'll be better at it and possibly make some side income from that talents of yours, who knows?

I hope that after reading this entry you'd feel better about yourself and feel more motivated to figure out the best part of you! Remember, Rome isn't built in a day. Nobody borns perfect. But there's always room for improvement as long as you always try to reach out beyond your comfort zone.

Till next time lovelies!

Some people have a love that can't be told or written. 




Sunday, February 2, 2014

An Average Nothing-Much Person And The Struggle Of Becoming A Better Muslimah

Assalamualaikum my dear readers. 

It's been a while. 

I have a sudden urge to write this post as a future note to myself on my progress.

What progress? That, I'll tell you later. 

But first, I will have to mention about this.

FRIENDS.

For some people, it might be easy to have a lot of friends, have their own clique and stick together wherever they go. That usually a scene you can see in high school or college. But for some people, it might be easy to befriend with people, but they don't usually form a bond that can bring them to a clique, so we call this the level of acquaintanceship. And for another group of people, they are not the type people wanna befriend with OR maybe they don't like to have other people called friends in their lives as they don't easily believe people.

As for me, I'm classified in between the second and third group. I've never had a clique. Yeah maybe once, when I accidentally joined a group that talk behind my back and despised me especially the so-called 'leader' and up to this day, I still don't understand why they did such thing to me and hated me so much. Not all of them, two or three of them even said sorry to me because they just had to join buzzing about me as they didn't dare to go against the leader. I guess, that girl started it all about this hatred thingy. I don't know. 

I never really had any best friend. Close friends, maybe yes. My definition of best friend would be someone who I could genuinely trust and give me an honest answer. I enjoy their company even if we disagree on something you can agree to disagree. And a best friend should tell you when you did something wrong in the best way s/he could without hurting your feeling. A best friend would bring you back to the right path if you're misled. And I guess, that's my biggest problem. I never trust anyone with secrets. NEVER. Because I've seen how people tell another people about one's secrets and asked that person not to tell anyone else because it's a secret when she actually just did. 

Like seriously, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? A secret is no longer a secret when there's more than three people know about it. Don't you agree with me? So that's why. Maybe I can trust people but I only give them 80% of the trust and keep another 20% to myself. If I think that no people can carry the burden of my highest level of secret, I won't tell anyone. That will keep me save.


------------------------------------------------------------

But!

That's not the whole point of why I'm writing this post. 

I was thinking about changing myself into a better muslimah since the last few days. This thing happened to me quite few times already since high school. This whole thing about "I WANNA BE A BETTER MUSLIM AND MORE DEVOTED TO ISLAM AND BLAH BLAH BLAH" and yeah, it never lasted that long. 

You know, I always think I'm the luckiest person on planet Earth because Allah always guides me in the best way possible. He always sends me good people to remind me to be better or lead me to the right path whenever I'm misguided by my own thoughts and desires. Till there's one time, a friend of mine said this to me,

"You're lucky because hidayah (guidance) always knocks on your heart to give you a slight hint that whatever wrong things you do should be stopped and that you must go back to the straight way. Hidayah comes to you many time. You should beware and don't let it get tired of you that it never wants to knock onto your heart ever again..."

And that was like the ouch-est sentence I will remember till I die. 

Usually I made a drastic and radical changes on the way I dressed up or my 'amal. A drastic change is always not a good idea as it will fade faster than you can imagine. So I went back to the thoughtless, take-for-granted, old me again. 

This happened so many times that I couldn't recall the number.

So this time, again, Allah gives me His rahmatan fil'alamin and again I decided to have a thought about becoming a better person. I thought about this so much that I couldn't really do anything other than stared at the door of my wardrobe and the ceiling and think, think and think about what should I do to remain istiqamah and continuous in my good deeds without ever going back to the dark side. I did a lot of thinking that it hurts. 

I think of why I wanna change. How should I represent myself in public. What kind of bad habits I have. My attitude. My speeches. I take almost everything into account. There's a lot of line of thoughts occurred in my mind till I couldn't take it any longer because I know this thing wouldn't work this way unless I started to take an action. So I talked about this matter with a friend of mine whom I'm comfortable with and he came up with the idea that I should find a naqibah; who will guide me, change me, share my thoughts, and the one who I will refer to whenever I have a problem. 

I asked him, who? Who? Who?

Like an instant gift from Allah, this one sister texted me on Whatsapp and like an electric rushing through every part of my body, I immediately knew it was her! Alhamdulillah. Coz I'm really feel at ease in her presence and she wears niqab too. And I know she's a good person when I first saw her last year. It's like love at first sight in sisterly way, if you ask me. So I voiced out my thoughts to her just now and she said this is all a blessing from Allah indeed and she's willing to be my guide to become a better muslimah. My naqibah :)

So, what I want from you guys is to pray that this is my final game and a rivalry between the good and the bad side of me as a motivation to succeed. Hopefully the bad side goes to where it belongs and the good conquers me inside out, insyaAllah. 

I can no longer bear any damage I've done to my heart and soul. Sometimes I don't feel like my spirit is here anymore. It's kinda scattered and that I couldn't gather the broken pieces. I just need to do something to gain back my soul. I failed to keep it day by day and I seem to lose control of myself. 

Get a grip Nining, get a grip!

This time I should gather all the sincerity within me and gives it all out for the sake of Allah and His mercy. For the sake of Islam. 

Please pray for me. 

xoxo





P/s: This pictures are taken when I suddenly thought of why people said niqabis are pretty when they can't even see their faces. So I tried 'em all and see my reflections on the mirror in different perspective. And I guess I'll never know why exactly it is. But the reason one wears niqab is to hide her beauty from being seen by her muhrim isn't it, so why bothers? Just rock the niqab, keep calm and tajdid your niat.

When you do things from you soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. 




Friday, September 20, 2013

What if You Were About To Die ...

Assalamualaikum my dear readers. Hopefully all of you are in a very good health. And I'm wishing myself the same thing too. 

Have you ever felt very sick that you thought you might die any sooner? Have you ever hide your illness from your family with a hope that when you die, you're grateful that you didn't burden them? And so I asked myself today, if I were only given one week to live in this world full of sins, what would I do? Or to be exact, what SHOULD I do before I return to Him, the Almighty?

Dear readers, you know at some point of life when you started to ponder like a matured person; thinking about your future, or might as well about your life after death. For some people it might happened as early as in teen age but in another situation, some people only think about death when Allah put them into a test, to see how much iman they own within their heart, or maybe (Na'uzubillah minzalik) they died, bringing along the wraths of Allah all the way to hell. Many had flopped while they're in the game, but not less were successful and crowned with what they deserve as a token for their good deeds in this world of lies.

That is what we called as a turning point of life.

So back to the question, if you were about to die any soon, what SHOULD and WOULD you do? (I'm actually asking this question to myself just to do some reflection or 'muhasabah'.) This is a simple question yet a lot of reasonings are needed to answer it. 



-------------------------------------

Let's say the trial time given is one week before we die. 

First of all, I'll ask for forgiveness from anyone I think I might have hurt their feelings or such. This is not an easy task to do. Have you ever heard a saying, it sounds something like this; Allah can forgive you anytime as long as you seek forgiveness from Him (ya'ni Istighfar and taubah prayer), but if they're sins  between humans, you must ask for mercies directly from the person himself? 

I'll give you a situation.

Your good deeds make you eligible to be one of the Ahlul Jannah (Member of the Heaven) and you are about to step into its door. But somehow a person stopped you from doing so. Why? Because they wanted to take some of your rewards (pahala) to be theirs because you did something crooked to them while you're alive and you didn't asked for forgiveness from them before your death. In just a blink of eyes, you're sent directly to hell. Just because of one tiny little thing that we took for granted.


-------------------------------------


And the next think I'll do is doing all the good things I could manage. Take for example, making a lot of sedekah, doing some charity works at old folks and orphans' houses, inviting the ulama' to give 'tausiyah' (talks) about life after death and stuffs, be of service to my parents, and the list goes on.

Asking for du'a (prayer) from ulama or the closest one I know is Habib Muhammad Alwi Al-Attas so that my journey to death would be eased is a must. And surely I'll delete all of my social networks. As what I said, the list goes on and I'm very sure you know what are the other good things in this world that we wanted to pull off but never had the chances to do them. Life is short and yet we tend to forget it as we're too absorbed with this world.

Dear sweethearts, I know this is only a 'What if'. But don't let the veil of regretful covers you when you're in a ripe age for not doing all the good things in this world. Let's together we try to work them out as we never know when is the time when Allah asks the archangel of death, Izrael comes to pick our soul and bring it to Him. 



p/s: Please pray for my health and wellbeing.

xx


Every soul shall taste death

Popular Posts